just survived the first fart of the relationship.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
