sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
