The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
