Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
