so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
