after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
