just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
