i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
