if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
zippers are such a cool invention
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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