We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
