I like my sex mixed with concussions.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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