I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You know, be my cock's hype man.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
