I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
