OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
