need another drink. this is the easiest way
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
