I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
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