This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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