shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
