I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
