Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
