dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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