Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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