In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
