dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
