Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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