i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
