i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
