when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
