my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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