So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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