I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
