There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
