Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Randomize
