Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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