the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
