I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
