Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
