you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
