he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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