im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
