Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
