I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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