I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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