I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
