he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
