im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
