we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
