i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
