When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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