i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
