When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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